The Misadventures of Tosen and Van Halen
by RabidSheep
Summary: Tosen gets a pet named Van Halen but this pet turns out to be a holy terror for every one. How is Aizen suppose to plot the downfall of the Soul Society when he cant even find his slippers? And why does Gin want to eat the pet? Reviews fuel me.
1. Model citizen zero discipline

Okay so me and TDW (Creator of the Gin and Cherry story) were talking on DA and the subject of Tosen owning a turtle came up. I got some ideas and decided to make my own pet story but this one is ah…strange like many of my other stories. Van Halen is me and my uke's creation but if you want to draw fan art of him then I won't stop you. :P Review if you want more.

Thank you for reading-

RabidSheep

------

This is the story of an egg. Born as normal eggs are often born, from a mother who had a brief fling with a male of the species then kicked the male out when she was pregnant. It has siblings but this is not about them. This egg is torn from the fate of its normal course and placed in a world few will ever see or be aware of even exists. The nest the egg is born to is not in a tree or on a cliff face but rather on the bank of a muddy creek somewhere in south Alabama, USA.

Night had fallen warm and humid and a storm brews violently around its home nest. Lightening cracks as rain pounds and washes the caking of mud over the nest to expose the eggs at the top of the buried pile. The top egg is pushed around in the wind then finally detaches and rolls down into the water. It plops then is swept away in the storm flooded current, coming dangerously close to being smashed against half submerged rocks. Narrow it fate saves the egg from being turned into a scrambled mess in the water. It make it to morning where it is washed upon the bank of the creek like a giant pearl half buried in silt. And now it waits, helpless to what fate may bring.

--

A sandaled foot steps into the wet Alabama grass. The foot belongs to a young shinigami named Shūhei Hisagi whom stands beside the imposing form of Kaname Tosen. Blood trails down the length of Tosen's to drip into the grass as their black robes flap in the wind left over from the storm the night before.

"The hollow has been taken care of." Tosen states, He slowly sheaths his sword into the hilt as his waist. "Return to the soul society and in from them the shinigami for this area is deceased and a replacement is needed."

Hisagi bows and turns to leave. "As you command, Captain." Then he is gone, only a gust of wind as he flash-steps away.

The dark skinned man draws in a deep breath. 'Even the air is wet here.' He muses silently. Something draws his attention forwards through the bushes, a faint beacon of spiritual pressure. An animal perhaps? But it hasn't moved the whole time he has been standing here. Curious he walks forwards to the glint of spiritual essence, but stops as he feels the ground beneath his feet slope down towards the sound of moving water. Odd.

He reaches out with his senses then locates the glint near where he stands. Bending down he reaches out and touches something round and smooth in the mud of the brook's bank. It is warm with inner life.

He digs it out then cradles the egg in his hand as a father might hold a newborn baby.

"What a strange place to find an egg." He remarks to the round object in his hand. "You're a long way from home, aren't you?" Silence is his only answer.

--

"An egg?" A boy in his squad chirps as two of his seated squad members arrive to greet the returning captain.

"Are ya gonna eat it?" A girl asks. Strangely Tosen feels protective over the warm little egg and moves away from the girl.

"No. I'm not going to EAT this egg." He softly growls.

"So you gonna raise a chicken as your pet?" The first boy chimes in.

"I don't know is it's a chicken or not." Tosen retorts.

"So you ARE keeping it as a pet?" The girl says then giggles.

Tosen glares at her , even tho he is blind he manages to look intimidating.

"Don't you people have work to do or something?"

"Oh, Hai!" They say, seeming to get the hint then scamper away.

Tosen walks into his house but stops when he hears someone in his kitchen. There is the oh so familiar sound of banging pots, the hiss of water splashing on to a way to hot stove top, and muttered curses.

"Gin. What did I tell you about cooking in my kitchen?" He gently places the egg on a pillow on his couch.

Gin pops his head out of the kitchen with a cloud of smoke in his wake.

"Ah, C'mon Tosen-san! Kira never lets me use our kitchen. He says I can't cook." Gin sniffs whilst waving around his dirty soup ladle and splattering his already stained cooking apron.

"That's because you don't know how to cook, Ichimaru."

"Oi! I can cook…just not well." He laments.

"Something's burning."

"My muffins!" Gin yells then runs back into the smoke filled kitchen. Many screams, dropped pans, and singed hairs later he emerges with a smoking tray of what once were blueberry muffins. "Ah I managed to save a few! Want one?"

Tosen who had been sitting on the couch and meditating shakes his head in irritation. "No, if they taste anything like the smell."

"Delicious?"

"Burned."

Gin picks up one of the pieces of charcoal from his pan and takes a bite then makes a face and spits it out onto the carpet.

"Did you just spit that out on my carpet?"

"No." Liar liar, pants on fire. Quick, change the subject! "Hey what you got there? A ball?"

"Its an egg. I plan on hatching it." He informs the cooking challenged man.

"So your gonna sit on it?"

"No. I plan on making an incubator."

"Ah that's good because I was having trouble imaging you sitting on it. I think your so obese you would squish it."

"Im not obese." Tousen growls, its true all of the captains of the thirteen court guard squads are wonderfully in shape from daily workouts. Gin shrugs at this.

"Tomato tahmahtoe. Besides your blind so how can you tell?"

"Get out of my house." Tosen snarls. There is a knock at the sliding door followed by Aizen's voice.

"Can I come in, Captian Kaname?" His silky tones leak past the thin door.

"Yeah come in." Tosen calls and he hears the door slide open. Aizen softly shuts the door behind him then sits down beside Tosen on the couch. He looks a mushy black mass on the carpet and frowns.

"Gin did you spit on the carpet, again?" Aizen asks with one eyebrow quirked. Gin shakes his head and tries to motion Aizen to shut up. Tosen looks pissed.

"Uh n-no, that was here when I uh snuck in." He says then cringes as Tosen utters a binging spell. Gin falls into the floor with his arms pinned at his sides by invisible bonds. "Ow…."

--

An incubator was surprisingly easy to acquire. One trip to some farming district that raises chickens sold him a small one. Tosen had set it up with paternal care beside his own bed so he can know it is safe even as he sleeps. He talked to it as he lies in his bed when he knows no one is there is hear him.

"What am I going to name you, little egg?"

He thinks for a moment on names to put on the creature inside that ivory shell.

"How about an English name, becaue you were found in an English speaking country…I know.. Van Halen. Do you like that?" He finds himself asking then egg but then stops.

"I'm talking to an egg." He mutters then falls back into his bed, sleep taking his mind away as the hum of the incubator to his right fills the silent room.

--

"How long have you been cooking that ball under that light." Gin whispers as he and Tosen stand before the incubator.

"Gin, its and EGG. And I'm not cooking it, I'm trying to coax it to hatch. That's why I ran in here when I heard it squeaking."

Gin looks unfazed. "So…how long?"

Tosen sighs and mentally counts the days he had been taking care of this helpless egg named Van Halen.

"About sixty days give or take." He says then turns his attention back to the sound of something clawing around inside the egg. Its hatching! Van Halen is hatching!

Tosen slowly lifts up the top of the incubator and holds the hatching egg in his hands. He feels the baby inside struggling then with a chirp of victory a small head bursts through the shell of the egg and looks at the two men with large black eyes.

It squeaks then blinks its round eyes. Gin faints. Tosen runs his fingers over the small head, feeling its shape and soft texture.

"A turtle. Van Halen is a…turtle." He says softly and the baby turtle makes a happy growling sound in response to being petted. The captain helps remove the left over bits of shell from Van Halen then lies back on his bed with the hatchling on his chest. The turtle is exhausted from breaking free of his shelly prison and soon falls asleep on Tosen, his tiny shell rising and falling as he sleeps so innocently.

Later Kira comes by to pick up Gin and taken him home.

--

Van Halen is an Alligator Snapping Turtle. Google pics of em if you want to know his basic shape. D:


	2. My conscience loves to stick around

Van Halen is a sweet turtle if a little strange and deadly looking.

I met an Alligator Snapping Turtle in the wild once. Needless to say I peed my pants and took off running. He was a huge bugger just basking beside some swamp waters. Lol

In answer to TDW, I chose 'bama for his birthplace because it's a southern state and I wanted his egg to be found close to this species habitat. Oh man I was reading an article about an AST found in the 1980s with a civil war bullet lodged in his shell. These buggers live a long ole time! Heh

Note* this is not meant to be a replacement for actually turtle care or in anyway realistic. Thank you both of my reviewers and my readers. Ideas are loved. 3

-RabidSheep

--

"Do you like waffles?" Gin sits a bubble bath pushing a rubber duck across the surface of the water. "YEAH I LIKE WAFFLES!" Gin answers his own question in a high pitched 'ducky' voice. Sure he may be to old for bubble baths and his legs to long so that he sits with knees out of the water and back pressed against the tile but it is worth it. The surface of the water is clouded with fluffy bubbles. He squeaks the ducky then turns around to grab a wash cloth.

SPLASH! He turns forwards quickly but sees nothing in the tub to have made the plash. With a shrug he starts playing with his duck again.

"Do you like pancakes? YEAH I LIKE PANCAKES!" His voice penetrates the doors of Tosens bathroom into the living room where Aizen and Tosen speak.

"So were going to build an army of hollows?" Tosen seems skeptical of the idea.

"That's correct." As usual Aizen assures him with the confidence of a king.

"But what if they -" Tosen is cut off by a scream of agony coming from the bathroom.

"AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Both Tosen and Aizen run to the bathroom to find Gin whimpering and bent over in the bathtub, his face scrunched up in pain. Aizen reaches for the hilt of his zanpaktou.

"OWOWOWOWOWOW!"

"What happened, Ichimaru?" Aizen inquires.

"Something BIT me! I think it was a shark or a piranha or something."

"You in a bathtub, Gin. There is nothing that could have- Tosen why are you sticking your hand in the tub?" Aizen looks at first amused then shocked. Tosen has rolled up his uniform sleeve and fishes around the water till his hand wraps around something familiar under the water's surface.

"I got it!" He says in victory.

Aizen looks scared.

"Van Halen likes to swim around in water, he must have climbed in when you weren't looking, Gin. Didn't you, little buddy?" Tosen tickles Van Halen under his chin. The baby turtle chirps and makes a pleased sound, his large black eyes closing in pleasure.

"He sure is growing big." Aizen remarks and reaches out to pat the turtle but Van Halen hisses at him. He pulls back his hand, thinking better of it.

"Indeed he is growing fast." Tosen can feel the hatching has put on weight since having hatched two months ago. He runs his hands along the spiked shell that is smooth as babies skin and the color of black glass.

"Uh can you guys get out..Im kinda taking a bath…"Gin looks at them as if they are pedophiles of some sort.

--

"Ooh you like that don't you?" Tosen uses a towel to dry off Van Halen's body. The turtle closes his eyes in pleasure and thrashes his spiked tail up and down. He even lets out a small growing sound similar to a kitten purring …a sinister evil kitten.

There all done, he steps back and runs his hands along the now dry shell of the young turtle. They spent so much time together, even took showers and shared the same bed. Gin and Aizen had left not long ago. Tosen sighs and walks to his laundry room to toss the towel in the washing machine. When he closes the lid he feels something nudging against his leg then hears Van Halen clicking his beak and chirping.

"Eh, What is it, Vanny? You bored?" He bends down and picks him up in his arms."I have an idea. Lets go swimming!"

--

Men, women, and children run screaming out of the public pool in horror. A small black turtle with spikes on his shell and a long spiked tail stands at the foot of the life guard's ladder, hissing up at the terrified life guard.

"Huh you would think they have never seen a turtle before." Tosen remarks. He beckons Van Halen over then slowly climbs in the refreshing waters of the swimming pool. A small disturbance in the water lets him know Van Halen has slipped in beside him. Underneath the silent tomb of the water a transformation takes place. Above water Van Halen is a clumsy slow (if frightening ) turtle but underwater he is a graceful hunter.

He glides through the water and settles happily on the bottom of the pool like a prehistoric predator awaiting prey. Tosen swims underneath the water but cannot hold his breath as long as the turtle can so soon much go up for air.

The captain gasps as his head breeches the surface then swims to the side of the pool where he holds onto the side and catches his breath. He hears a small chirp to his right and feels a clawed foot brush against his skin. Van Halen had followed him to the surface and snow swims beside him with his tiny head bobbing above the surface and black eyes sparkling.


	3. Blue eyed murder in a size 5 dress

"I dislike Libraries." Tousen saunters past the glass doors of the Amy Sanders Library, walking behind a chipper Gin. Van Halen walks behind his master, watching the the rows upon rows of books with shining black eyes. He has grown larger to the size of a basketball and his shell turns from ebony black to a dark green that glints off the ridges. His long cold blood tail drags the floor as they walk towards the back of the library to the children section.

Gin bends down and looks at the titles. "Aw don't be such a fuddyduddy. Volunteering for book reading during children time might have been the best thing I have ever done."

Tousen quirks an eye brow at him. "I mean besides joining, Aizen, that is." The blind shinigami reaches towards the bookshelf, curious how thick these books are. He ends up knocking ten books off the shelf which ears him a glare from a worker re-shelving books nearby. The teen boy mutters something under his breath and goes back to shelving mystery novels. Gin cringes.

"TOUSEEEN!" He all but yells. "Sorry he's BLIIIIIND!" Gin says loudly to the human worker.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to yell in a library?" Tousens asks him. Van Halen grabs a book off the floor and starts chewing on it, biting holes in the cardboard cover.

"Hey this is my first time in a human-world book place thingy-and oh would you stop him? He's gonna eat all the books." Gin gestures to the turtle happily munching away on the children's literature. Tousen picks the turtle up in his arms and walks a ways away. Van's long tail drapes over his arm then curls around it affectionately as the turtle growls his pleasure to his master. A piece of book hangs in Van Halen's mouth.

Soon an announcement over the whole building instructs the children to move to the back for story time. They sit on pillows and small chairs with a large chair in the middle where Gin positions himself with a large grin. He waits till they all sit down before holding up the book he had picked out for all of them to see. Tousen stands near the back while Van Halen investigates the far walls for any tasty snacks. A child reaches out to pet him on the head but he opens his jaws as wide as they will go and hisses loudly so that the child leaps away in fear. The kid runs out of the room crying and was never seen again.

"Well Hi'ya Kiddies!" Gin starts off with a very big grin that seems to scare most of the children. "Today I am gonna read ya the story of The Giving Crocodile." He holds up a book with a silly painted croc on the cover. He opens it to the first page."One upon a time there was a Crocodile." So far so good.

"He was big and he was green. All the other animals were afraid of him so none would come near his watering hole, not even to say hello. Not even on his birthday!" Gin manages to look sad at this last part. He pauses to show the pictures of the croc sitting alone in a pond with scared animals eying him from a distance. Van Halen is busy gnawing a hole in the dry wall as he chases the cent of a mouse on the other side. Noone seems to notice.

"Oneday a drought hit all of the land and the only water left was the Crocodile pond. All of the animals became very thirsty. See that's one thirsty looking cow, aint it?" He points to the picture then flips the page. The mouse Van had been chase pops its head through the hole chewed in the wall, takes one look at the giant turtle staring it down, then it runs out of the hole towards Gin. Van Halen slowly stalks it like an evil kitten stalking game.

"The animals traveled far and wide looking for water. The came to the croc's pond and asked him to share his water with them. And do you know what the Crocodile said to them?"

He pauses to let the children shake their heads from side to side then he takes a deep breath.

"He said to the animals-HOLY FUCK NO SHIT GOD DAMIN IT! YOU FUCKING SHIT PILE!"The children stare in horror. Gin leaps up, throwing his book down where a certain turtle has bitten his toe with bone crushing jaws. Van Halen lets go of the toe and looks apolitically up at the cursing shinigami as the mouse scampers away to live another day. "FUCKING TURTLES!" The children gasp and that's about when all hell breaks loose. The start running in every direction while screaming bloody murder about the little monster turtle that had attacked the reader. Tousen pushes through the crowd and finds Van Halen still stalking the direction the mouse had ran.

The blind one takes the turtle in under one arm the grabs Gin by the wrist with the other. "I think it's time we leave."

–

Tousen and Van Halen sit in the shade of an old oak tree after an intense day of battle training. A hell butterfly floats towards them but just as its gets close enough to land on Tousen the turtle snaps it dead in his mouth, a beautiful black butterfly wing hanging out side of his mouth. He slowly munches then swallows it insect.


	4. a line drawn in the sand

The large turtle rubs on Tousens leg, water black eyes looking up at him. Waiting. The reptile growls pitifully and watches as his human master chops food on the counter top.

"I'm almost done, Vanny." The captain patiently tells the turtle for the hundredth time. Van Halen paws at the shinigami with one webbed foot and opens his mouth to show 'see food goes in HERE'. When this gets him nothing he slinks off and attacks one of his favorite toys, a rubber squeaky fish that is missing an eye. He chomps down on it and it cries out in fake pain as he repeatedly chews on the toy, nomming it till the squeaker inside can squeak no more. Ha the mighty reptile beats the pathetic fish!

"Oh dear, did you break ANOTHER toy?" Tousen says, setting down a plate of food. Van Halen pounces the food, shoving his face and devouring everything like cookie monster with rabies. The food consists of raw fish, worms, and some savory tidbits from Tousen's dinner thrown in for good measure. The shinigami picks up the toy and puts it into the waste bin.

"What am I going to do with you?" He playfully asks the turtle who is to busy gobbling down his food to care.

…

"Whats the meaning of this?" Captain Tousen walks into the room where EVERY other captain sits seated and looking mightily pissed. Even Mayuri had shown up for this..meeting. Yamamoto beckons for Kira to shut the door as soon as Tousen walks in, with a large black turtle scooting in behind like a scaled black shadow.

"Tousen...We have to have a talk with you." Yamamoto says gravely. Tousen feels a shiver of fear run through his blood but is to well trained to let his nervousness who. Perhaps they had found out about the traitor's plot!

"Talk? What ever for?" He says to the head captain.

Before he can reply Soi Fon slams her hands down on the desk and points to there Vanny lies, almost sleeping at Tousen's feet. He had a long day of hell butterfly munching.

"We hate that...that...abomination!" She yells and a mummer of agreement rises from the crowd. Yamamotot silence them with a wave of his hand.

"Yes, it appears your turtle has caused some trouble around the squads." He says, running his hands over his staff as if to whack Vanny with it.

Tousen's stiffens. "What has he done?"

"He DESTROYED my neko statues! I found what I think was poo on their broken remains, there was so much poo...oh god...." Soi fon says then breaks down into tears.

"Van Halen has bitten me atleast sixty times since he hatched from that demon egg." Aizen says from his corner.

Unohana clears her throat and speaks up. "He has put more injured shinigami's in my healer's care then I care to count."

"Okay listen to this, there other day I made a Peanut bubber and jelly sandwich and when I came back it had a huge bite taken out of it. Through the plate and sandwich and all of it! When I walked into my kitchen I found the turtle with his mouth covered on peanut bubber and puking all over my floor." Gin says then looks rel sad. "I miss my peanut bubber."

Byakuya looks irritated at Gin's loss of peanut butter. "Peanut Butter? That's what he took from you? That..demon ate my phone of my dead wife! He just ate it. Right in front of me, then he ran hid in my koi pond!"

Komamura's ears flip back and he grows. "That thing...I cannot accept that it even has a soul."

From near the window Shunsui tilts up his hat. "Need I even mention that the turtle has broken nearly half my stash of alcohol when he chased a rat through my division?"

Everyone nods at this. The beer. You don't mess with the beer.

Hitsugaya stands up, pointing a finger at the now awake turtle. "It ripped apart a weeks worth of paperwork!"

"Normally I wouldn't care about what pet you keep but this little lizard thingy lets Yachiru ride on his back and they wreck havoc through my entire squad. Between the two of them I can't even train my troops!" Kenpachi growls.

"BAH! You IDIIOTS! Have you any idea of what this turtle has done to my LABRATORY?" Mayuri cries from his position, his one sided hat tilting on his head to make him look quite gangsta. He takes a deep breath then looks at Tousen with cold golden eyes. "Kaname Tousen I ask for you to give ME your reptile. He will make a very interesting researching subject." To add emphasis on his words the scientist stretches out his had to the turtle, finger curling enticingly.

Van halen hisses at Mayuri and backs up against Tousens comforting legs. Ukitake starts to say something but sits back down in a coughing fit.

"I..I...I wont get rid of him!" Tousen declares and walks out of the room with Van Halen in his arms.

…

Later that night in Aizen's sleeping quarters.

"Aizen-sama."

"Yes, Tousen-san?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes, Tousen. Tomorrow Rukia Kuchki will be executed."

Tousen strokes Van Halens glass smooth head. "One more day till we are free of this place, Vanny."

The turtle closes his lips and snuggles close to his master, a happy chirping noise leaving his mouth. If master is happy then so is he.


End file.
